CL - 4/23/16 "Desire Overload"

Photo by NORDES on Behance

I spent part of the morning scrolling through Pinterest, falling in absolute love with "industrial rustic" design homes and European cottages.  I began to slip away into visions and dreams of expansive warehouse homes, remodeled to be absolutely perfect for my unique family, mixed with a secret garden-esque landscape and beach cottage feel.  Silver industrial vases laced with bouquets of white fragrant flowers.  A bathroom full of reclaimed wood, metal and a shower wall that says, "You look fine." (Yes, I saw this on Pinterest and find it absolutely fabulous as an affirmation and for fun) 

But, I didnt stop there.  After my two older girls left for the day to spend time with their Dad(s), I was nursing the baby, watching reality TV (I generally watch under an hour of TV a week).  I began to wander off into the "perfect" relationship and partnership, vacations, careers... I was excited but something began shifting.

Slowly, gradually, I began to get carried away with my thoughts and began to feel "lack." I wanted to jump into the future so I could have all these "things" and "situations" and for my life to look a different way than it does now.  

There is just so much variety.  So much to experience.  I think we often get caught up in what I call "desire overload." It's so hard to choose when we have so many options.  I think we experience this with every area of our lives, including choosing partners.  I think that maybe we jump ship too quickly, anticipating that there is much more variety out there to pick from.  We cherry pick.  We hop from one thing to the next, looking for the best.  We don't want to miss a thing! We feel torn between all the choices, and have a difficult time committing to just one something or someone...to accepting all that is, as it is.  We are rarely present, as we anticipate what's to come, how to change what is, get what we want, etc.   We trade in the beauty of the Now for the possiblities of the future.

I've been doing a ton of thought-work lately.  Taking full ownership of my experience(s) and catching myself as I begin to fall backwards.  Today was no different, and I realized this was just another chance to learn about myself. But more importantly, this was a chance to choose something different.  Normally, I would fall back into a depressed state, feeling like I was missing out on all these "things" and situations I wanted but didn't have.  I would become resentful or sad, feeling voids and feeling sorry for myself and my children. Maybe starting to feel shame, or taking ownership of others' experiences like my - err - boyfriend / baby Daddy (I dont really know what to call him and don't like those words but so be it for now). 

Anyway, today, I realized that something was different.  I was borderline sad, but also felt sort of appreciative.  Which was confusing for me.  It was then that I realized we are conditioned and programmed to have a "lack" mentality.  Always acting like donkeys chasing the carrot (I use this analogy and explain it in my book). I began to peel back the layers of lack that I was conditioned to feel, societal pressures, and underneath it was an overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude and love. I was shocked.  There is nothing missing in my life. And I am generally appreciative of all that is, as it is, right Now.  This was a very pleasant surprise.  Very grounding, and brought me back to the present moment.  I am grateful for what I get to experience, and when, where and how I do it. Yes, there is so much variety in life that we will never be able to (or want to) taste it all in our lifetimes.  But, the experiences we do have are profound and memorable and unique and to be cherished.  They're all ours.  And we can experience them fully in each moment. And we can appreciate it all if we so choose.

I came to learn that life is like a maze.  No matter which way you go, which turn you make, you end up at the same wall that boldly displays the same message: You get to choose. Everything is always up to you to decide.  How to experience life.  If youre going to be happy or sad or living lack or gratitude or what.  It's never what shows up externally. It's what comes up internally and what we decide to make of it.  Today was another glaring example for me of the power of our thoughts and mindset. And how it's all up to us. Always.  And in every moment, we get to choose, again. We are never stuck. Never hopeless. Life begins every second that passes!

I acknowledged today, that yes, I love variety and change. But I also love my life just how it is today, right Now. And I feel so blessed for the variety and contrast I get to live in my very unique situation (it's no surprise I like variety and change, if you take a look at my life and the dynamics of it, it's very obvious I'm not norm-seeking, conformist folk). 

(Shaking my head) 

Life is just so beautiful and chock-full of goodness. 

Go out today and enjoy your experience(s).  And remember: You (always) get to choose. Catch yourself when you begin to slip into lack, knowing that lack is just a perception and not a reality. As simply as you could make a case for lack, or not having enough, you can make a case for being full and having everything you need! You can have any perception you like that serves you. Including an attitude of gratitude and a sense of joy and love in everyday moments...and life. 

Make it a good one.